Day 365.

Day 365. It’s hard to believe that is how many days it’s been since we stopped at this view and Jerry took photos of the butterflies.

It’s been the longest and shortest amount of time all at once. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about this day and all the days before it and after it. It’s been a constant learning journey and the weeks leading up to this first anniversary have been emotional and all consuming at times. The entire year has concluded and that means I’m able to see it for everything it was, and that is a lot for a person to think about.

It’s still hard to accept that someone so beautifully unique and who was just getting to a happy place in their life after finding that a real challenge was killed just a day after declaring how happy and positive they were feeling. It’s one of those events that makes absolutely no sense. Good person, not doing anything wrong, dies anyway.

However, despite being physically gone Jerry is definitely not absent. Sometimes it does feel like a dream and I wonder if we ever really existed together. Luckily thanks to modern technology all I need to do to connect to those memories is look at WhatsApp and it’s right there.

*amateur. I’m usually a great speller I spotted my mistake and was like why have you spelt amateur like immature you amateur?! Anyway the point is I’m lucky to be able to read these if I ever want to. Sometimes it’s easy to just become so negative about the whole situation that Jerry himself and his personality can be lost inside all the anger and sadness. I think that’s a huge shame. He needs to be remembered as who he was when he was alive rather than associated with the tragedy of his death. His personality definitely shines through in messages and when I read them I can also hear his voice.

This cremation necklace has been a life saver, in that I wear it every day and it’s a subtle, constant connection. It really is perfect and I’d be distraught if I ever lost it. That was definitely a good decision in those early few days.

I’ve received a lot of messages these past few days, in fact today I think I’ve received more than on my birthday. It’s quite overwhelming really to receive them randomly and realise that people very much understand and care about this. I think one of the most important things that’s come out of this is bonds with other people, connections and kindness. There have been some very patient, saint like characters around me this past year. I’ve doubted myself on so many occasions and my emotions have, at times, led me to behave out of character. Anger especially is a new challenge for me. Jerry was angry about almost everything and almost everyone and I never have been until this happened.

Two people especially I want to thank for the past year, my mum and Alice.