I originally wrote this blog post on the 3rd September but then deleted it because of some weird anxiety issue. After a very rainy day that reminds me of the storm last November, and a weird/painful situation that arose at school I have decided to try writing it again.
I’ve had a very nostalgic few weeks in terms of thinking about January, Jerry and my journey so far this year. Now I’m back to work after the summer and my routine has returned my anxiety has declined slightly so I’m able to write some more about grief and how I’m doing. I learnt recently that there are people following this blog who are grieving themselves, and I’ve been told that I am useful. This is the most positive thing that could come out of this situation for me.
So, 8 months on what is happening for me? Less crying, but still crying. Probably the same amount of sadness but in a different way. It’s more ingrained now rather than overwhelming raw emotion. More anxiety about very random things. A lot of dreams. A few moments of complete loss and panic about the reality of what happened to Jerry. Some moments of concentration about him to keep him alive in my head. Some moments of genuine happiness. Lots of moments of guilt.
I’ve definitely returned to a “normal” version of myself which is more stable than the past few months but isn’t the person I was before. I’m okay in the fact that I have come to accept this new unwanted aspect of my personality and identity. I’ve got some closure about the mishandling of the case by the police and the theft of Jerry’s phone. I have wonderful, very loving and very dedicated friends who check up on me still and who show such genuine happiness at my return to normality that it makes me emotional to think about it too much.
I still think about January 3rd every single day several times a day. I’d say it’s right to say it’s in the back of my mind somewhere 90% of the time. Some days I still don’t cope with it very well and get very upset. It’s really a lot of trauma for one person to process in 8 months but somehow I seem to be.
I never talked about the summer in the UK or wrote anything about my family or friends, so I will take this moment to share some photos from my summer with my nearest and dearest.
It was an amazing summer after the heartbreak of the past few months. I definitely feel a lot of emotions about everything these days and it was very hard to come back to Penang. When I got back I was sobbing a lot and very down for a week or two, but thanks to my Penang family I’m now back to my happy island life.
This last one is really not sitting ok with me Beth Byrne.
Also of course I have now got a second cat cos we all know that was going to happen. Cats are good for your mental health. I 💙 cats. Bulan 🌚
Total babe. Nova is doing ok with this but is really excelling with the truly bizarre aspects of her drain cat personality.
Much intensity from Nova.
Lots of outdoor time has been happening because nature is also good for your mental health:
I found a Harry Potter cafe in Penang and they gave me a free necklace for being a fanatic!
And finally…exciting and happy family news…we have a Valentines baby on the way!
Niece/ nephew number two. Belle couldn’t be more ready!
This angel was born just after I left…so now I have to wait until Christmas to meet her!
Beautiful baby Connie. Congrats Linz and Loz she’s adorable! 💙💙💙
So, to conclude, I’m doing okay. Not amazing and not terrible. I’ve started a 1 second video a day thing because I like Beth’s and that is a really good way of finding a positive thing each day to film. Here’s one that went wrong…
274 days. Mental. Congrats to me for being a strong human. The journey continues.