When Jerry and I would talk about our travels and meaningful places he always went back to Koh Lipe as his favourite place. When Al was given power of attorney I knew what the right thing to do was and so The Fellowship was founded and the journey began. I would like to state now that without Al, Kirsty, Mark, Amber, Gav, Ross, Romin, Georgia, Marc, Jess and my mum I would never have been able to get through the past 22 days. We named ourselves The Fellowship for two reasons; we’re too cool and JP hated LOTR “Why would I want to watch a bunch of c**nts and some dwarves climbing up a fucking mountain because of a ring?” Soz I have to star CU Next Tuesday cos I just can’t say that word ha. It was very important to me that I covered all the bases and did the right thing by Jerry. I don’t know what happens when you die but I need to know that whatever it is he’s okay. First Al asked me how I knew Koh Lipe was the right thing to do, so I sent him this:

Next I knew the place from the story Jerry told me about finding a secret beach. I didn’t know Jess and Marc by name but I did know that Jess was missdigitalnomad on instagram so I looked her up to ask her if she knew where the place should be. Of course she mentioned this beach.

And so the plan was in place. We travelled to Lipe, we took the ashes, we would meet Jess and Marc and we would have a memorial. We didn’t 100% know where the beach was but we would figure it out. When we arrived in Koh Lipe I felt very confused. I was in paradise but I was missing a limb. I didn’t know what to do. I stared at the ocean and felt really upset. I stood in the sea and felt like I didn’t know how to swim. I watched people being together and felt sick and angry. I cried a lot, a hell of a lot. Kirsty, Al and my mum got me out of bed every morning. I couldn’t cope with how sad I felt and why I was in Jerry’s favourite place without him.

On Friday we set off for the beach. Before we left my mum, Kirsty, Amber and I filled my cremation necklace with some of the ashes. It was a very anxious and morbid situation. We all agreed it was awful. Then we went to find the beach. Jess ran around in the jungle searching for the correct path and we slipped down the rocks and eventually made it to the beach. It was exactly picture perfect. We spent some time being, Ross built a fire, the guitar was played and then we decided on where to spread the ashes. We chose a flat area above sea level so that Jerry wouldn’t get washed away to somewhere he didn’t want to be. We said a few words and then we cried, took our time and tried to get out of the jungle in the dark.

We went back to Rockstones, Jerry’s favourite bar and for a little while I was ok playing music with Ross and chatting to Amber. Then I literally felt a click of a finger in my head and suddenly felt like I was outside of my body looking at this truly awful situation just seeing images of Jerry laughing and dancing in the living room with me, sleeping, showering, cooking, saying “Hey beautiful” as he came in the door. A film of memories and it was too much so I went home. Here’s some Rockstones photos so you get why he loved it:

The next day Marc gave me a tattoo. Jerry was the first person Marc ever tattooed.

Marc I know you said keep it off social media I’m sorry I’m sorry but it’s part of the journey. Please forgive me. The others got matching tattoos.

It was really special. A scar to match the scar on our hearts without Jerry. In the afternoon I went back to Jerry’s beach because I needed some time. Jess helped me to take this photo:

And this one.

I feel proud and at peace that I did everything right. I’m especially grateful to Al for trusting me from the beginning. The rest of the time I lay around feeling annoyed and hating people. I looked at this heart all day.

I’ve got no idea how to get used to my new reality in Penang. I’ve lost so much love and companionship and support and entertainment and wisdom. I’ve lost my house mate and my room mate and my family in the most traumatising and sudden situation. Jerry is irreplaceable but I need to find a way to function without him. I’ll end on this poem which I feel makes sense, and some art of mine, and a very sad whats app conversation.

I love you JP. Here you are on your beach and now you can enjoy it forever whilst also hanging over my heart and listening to everything I say. I feel grateful and proud because I get to be the love of your life and the one that made you truly happy forever. Thank you for loving me how I deserve and for seeing me for who I am.