It’s taken me ten days to get to a point where I feel that I can even attempt to do this justice, and even as I opened it I couldn’t believe the reality that I’m actually writing a blog post about this. I’ve decided that it needs to be done in a series of posts and I’m starting with just a celebration of mine and Jerry’s relationship.

Jerry and I met on the wonderful social media platform of Tinder. I swiped because he had tattoos and long hair. He had already matched with me. We exchanged numbers and this is how he first described himself:

It turns out that he was exactly what he said he was on paper except for the emotions part. 

Our first date was at 2 Buns in George Town. According to sources we met at 6.30.

Obviously my attitude is like duh already Googled it obvs. We had burgers, we went for drinks, listened to horrendous Chinese karaoke and then there was a random Chinese procession on the street outside. People were throwing fake money up in the air. Jerry took a bundle of money and said “it’s the most valuable gift I’ll ever give you.” We then discussed whether the money was biodegradable and poured water on it to check. I left around midnight and on the way home we made plans for the following evening- I initiated it.

day tomorrow xxxx (cropping like a maniac apologies) 

The next day JP came round and we watched Moonrise Kingdom which is my favourite film. It’s a Wes Anderson movie about two kids who fall in love and all they care about in the world is one another. I recently got a tattoo from this film which Jerry chose the image for and the placement. This seems like the right moment to also say that Jerry had made me a Christmas card and it was being printed somewhere in George Town to pick up after holiday. Apparently it was “fucked up” the first time and this was take two. The Pangkor police have not returned Jerry’s phone to me and this is causing me mass anxiety for several reasons, but one of them is because I thought the clue to the card would be in phone records. Thankfully today I had the idea to ask Jerry’s friends if anyone had a clue and then I received this email. 

Jerry had printed a card with the moonrise kingdom kids on it holding hands and holding a map looking into the distance. Now I don’t know where this card is but I’m going to every single printing place until I find it. And Pangkor police need to return his phone because I know they have it and they need to give it back. 

So after our Moonrise Kingdom date JP never left my apartment. He stayed every night and slowly moved himself in one piece of clothing at a time. We never discussed if we were in a relationship, we just existed. Before I went to Malaysia I was a pretty broken person with a lot of anger and bitterness about the world. Jerry put me back together in so many ways because he was just exactly who he was and never ever changed. We didn’t date, we didn’t play games we just created the most beautiful relationship and I’ve never been loved that purely. For someone who says he doesn’t do emotion he was the most affectionate person I know. 

Playing it cool “go us”. And so that was that we spent all our time together and it was the easiest thing to do. We watched a lot of South Park and talked about a lot and before Nova I don’t really know what we did…and then we found her. 

JP didn’t read this message until I’d driven home crying and walked in the door. He said give me 5 mins and then we went back and got her. Turns out we are both obsessed with Nova and she is our child. When I first got home I couldn’t even look at her because of the association but now I see her as a living example of his kindness, his personality and his upbringing cos he’s basically made her into a little prick. He would carry her around all the time so she’s super docile. He would chase her around so she chases me. She’s completely a part of him and now I find that to be a comforting thing. We used to send cat selfies to one another when we were apart. 

So our relationship basically existed of domestic life with very little else going on. I was the happiest I’ve ever been because I had everything I needed right there. I got so much joy from him coming home from work, from sleeping next to him, eating with him, watching him on the balcony smoking, watching him read. He used to go to the pool just to sit there while I went swimming, he’d watch me do yoga, he’d watch me watch shit tv.  He came to the bar I was in with my friends for a hen do and just sat there drinking with his friends downstairs “to be close to you.” It was never clingy or too much, he was so in love with me in a way that I’ve never experienced.

I could tell you a million memories and conversations about JP but my favourite things about him are these:

– He’s fiercely loyal. He loves you or he hates you and if he loves you you’re set for life.

– He’s beautifully loving. He loves in all the most genuine and simplistic of ways. 

-He’s incredibly funny. His sense of humour is dry, sarcastic and amazing.

– He hates so many things and so do I.  He once said that we were together because we both hated everything.

-If he doesn’t like something he won’t do it. Massively stubborn. What I love about that is that it doesn’t apply to me because he did everything I asked even if he hated it.

– He has interesting opinions about everything.

-He cooked the best vegetarian food in life. He’d make me a packed lunch every single day.

– He’d always just look at me and smile like I was the only thing he needed in life and that is how I felt.

-He loved animals,animals better than humans was one of his most used phrases.

We had made so many plans for 2018 and we discussed only the day before how amazing we were. We had everything and we needed nothing and this situation is so tragic but at the same time it’s a beautiful, pure and timeless relationship. He couldn’t be without me in the house so if this was the other way around he would have given up already.

If one of us was sticking this out it was going to have to be me because he wouldn’t have got out of the darkness I feel 90% of the day.

We messaged all day every day.

He told me all day every day that he loved and missed me. He filled his messages with smiles and xxxxx. He was happy, I’ve been told by those closest to him, for the first time in his life so far because of me. He made every choice he could to stop that bike safely and when he couldn’t he braced himself so that I have survived with only facial injuries and he has left me on my own. It’s the ultimate sacrifice for love. 

I want to give an insight into my version of Jerry, JP as I called him. I want people to see how loving and incredible and caring he was to me every single day all day without fail. 

Our song is “Everlong” by the Foo Fighters because of the message below. I drew some art for JP around this a few months ago.

And we were always on the same page. I can’t explain the loss that I feel in words yet properly but it is ongoing, raw, harrowing, traumatising, deeply sad, numb, intense, over whelming, tragic and an absolute roller coaster. I’ve never felt so detached from myself and who I am and I’ve never felt like I’ve lost a part of myself in this way. It’s like losing a limb and I experience this loss in numerous different ways continously day and night. 

What am I doing to cope? Living in a nightmare but obsessively wearing all his possessions.

Creating some comfort in the bed so his side isn’t empty.

And that is really all I can manage so far. We were very private people together so our relationship is very personal and really only exists in my memories. I think though that he should be proud that my memories of him are his most lasting impression. They’re all so loving. Jerry always said that we only really needed each other to know what we felt, he refused to friend me on Facebook so I’m literally pending forever now. We didn’t take an abundance of photos because we both just lived it rather than documenting it every day…plus we never did anything so that’s why Nova is the star of all our photos.

I’ve started to feel him everywhere since the cremation and I don’t know what I believe anymore about anything but I 100% believe his energy is inside me at the moment and I feel like there’s many examples I could give of him communicating with me. Maybe I’m insane, desperate or maybe that’s the truth. I don’t think it matters. 

I will end this post with a photo of us doing what we do best, absolutely nothing.
JERRY RAY PIZOR (JP) you fixed me when I was broken. You showed me the simplest but most complicated form of love humans can have for one another. You’re my spirit human, fellow taurus, love like no other wonderful and uniquely bizarre boy. You’re my human and you’re always with me. Thank you for loving me in all the right ways. I miss you in ways that I never knew existed.